2026 Competition Entry:
Mid Life Crisis by Brian Ralston
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Lyrics
Mid Life Crisis
(B. Ralston)
The face in the mirror
Don’t look like me
There’s skin on my head
Where my hair used to be
Can’t fit into my last year’s clothes
Can’t touch my navel
Can’t see me toes
No point in bizarre disguises
I won’t win no beauty prizes
Get used to these extra sizes
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
No matter what I wear
My belt’s too tight
And I wake up five times
Every night
Just three red wines
Alcoholic haze
And the hangover lasts
For days and days and days
I’ve gotta make some sacrifices
Keep away from food with spices
Cause I don’t need no extra vices
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
So where the heck did my prime go
And why the hell
Won’t time slow down
My blood pressure’s up
But my old fellows down
My libido’s dragging
On the ground
No point in adult hide and seek
The flesh is useless
And the spirit’s weak
Don’t want no girls
With fancy prices
Bringing me afternoon surprises
Just leave me
To my own devices
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
(B. Ralston)
The face in the mirror
Don’t look like me
There’s skin on my head
Where my hair used to be
Can’t fit into my last year’s clothes
Can’t touch my navel
Can’t see me toes
No point in bizarre disguises
I won’t win no beauty prizes
Get used to these extra sizes
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
No matter what I wear
My belt’s too tight
And I wake up five times
Every night
Just three red wines
Alcoholic haze
And the hangover lasts
For days and days and days
I’ve gotta make some sacrifices
Keep away from food with spices
Cause I don’t need no extra vices
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
So where the heck did my prime go
And why the hell
Won’t time slow down
My blood pressure’s up
But my old fellows down
My libido’s dragging
On the ground
No point in adult hide and seek
The flesh is useless
And the spirit’s weak
Don’t want no girls
With fancy prices
Bringing me afternoon surprises
Just leave me
To my own devices
Cause I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I
Yes I, I, I, I, I’m
Happy with my midlife crisis
Author
Bio
As a university student in the 1970s Brian Ralston was a member of a band “Sirrah” based in Sydney, Australia. The band had a regular residency at a hotel west of Sydney playing 3 nights and 1 afternoon per week. Work, marriage and the arrival of children led to the end of the band and for a decade or so Brian concentrated on his practice as a lawyer, initially as a solicitor and then as a barrister.
Brian retuned to performing with “Mid Life Crisis” a four-piece cover band. When that band drifted apart Brian commenced to perform solo and start writing his own material under the name “Self Tort”. He acquired a monthly residency at a hotel in the south of Sydney, which continued for 13 years after which the hotel ceased live music.
In 2006 Brian, again under the name of Self Tort, released “N.I.C” his first CD of original material, and followed up with “Tortology” in 2010. In 2013 Brian entered a competition run by 702 Sydney, a radio station of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation to find “the best bands you’ve never heard of” and put together a band which won the Sydney final of that competition.
Since that time Brian has continued to write and now records under the name “Brian Ralston’s Self Tort”. Since 2013, under that name, Brian has released four EPs – “Oldest Roadies on the Earth”, “Inca Hoots”, “Side by Side – Side 1” and “Side by Side – Side 2”.
Brian has continued to perform as a solo artist and in November 2024 the Mortdale Hotel resumed live music and Brian has returned to play there each month.
Brian’s song “One Hour With You” won 2 awards at the SongsAlive Australia’s 2013 Songwriting Competition and has been a regular finalist in the annual Songwriting Competition conducted by the Australian Songwriting Association.
Brian retuned to performing with “Mid Life Crisis” a four-piece cover band. When that band drifted apart Brian commenced to perform solo and start writing his own material under the name “Self Tort”. He acquired a monthly residency at a hotel in the south of Sydney, which continued for 13 years after which the hotel ceased live music.
In 2006 Brian, again under the name of Self Tort, released “N.I.C” his first CD of original material, and followed up with “Tortology” in 2010. In 2013 Brian entered a competition run by 702 Sydney, a radio station of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation to find “the best bands you’ve never heard of” and put together a band which won the Sydney final of that competition.
Since that time Brian has continued to write and now records under the name “Brian Ralston’s Self Tort”. Since 2013, under that name, Brian has released four EPs – “Oldest Roadies on the Earth”, “Inca Hoots”, “Side by Side – Side 1” and “Side by Side – Side 2”.
Brian has continued to perform as a solo artist and in November 2024 the Mortdale Hotel resumed live music and Brian has returned to play there each month.
Brian’s song “One Hour With You” won 2 awards at the SongsAlive Australia’s 2013 Songwriting Competition and has been a regular finalist in the annual Songwriting Competition conducted by the Australian Songwriting Association.
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