2025 Competition Entry:

Confessions of a Dieter by Mark Allcorn

Genre

Pop

Artist

Co-writer(s)

no

Performer(s)

Gemma O’Duffy

Description

the agony of trying to lose weight!

Bio

Lyrics

CONFESSIONS OF DIETER

I am on a diet it’s my twenty-fifth time trying to lose weight I feel like crying
I’ve spent all week exercising in the gym
I’m the fat one sweating just undressing getting ready to begin
I’m trying to eat healthily I’ve cut out sugar from my tea
I’m counting every calorie but all I’m losing is the will to live
I’ve haven’t lost an ounce as yet my cellulite refuses to shift

Being on a diet ‘ain’t easy when you’re living on a lettuce leaf
It’s a regime that’s hard to keep when you’ve nothing to eat and that’s my beef

I would give my right hand for a sausage roll
I would turn to prostitution for mother’s toad in the hole
On Russians I would spy in exchange for pecan pie
And wash it all down with a nice chilled bottle of wine

I have tried the Atkins and I’ve tried the slim fast shakes
But nothing makes a difference could it be the chocolate cake and the puds
Why does everything so bad always have to taste so damn good

I would sell my children into slavery
I would shoot my husband for a doughnut quite happily
I would give my liver for a sliver of banofee pie
And wash it all down with cheese and biscuits, fudge and grapes
Then a few after eights and a nice chilled bottle of wine

The doctor said I could have a gastric band but that’s a little bit drastic
All I need are these low fat meals not to taste so tasteless or plastic
I tried becoming a vegetarian but I was weak
There’s only so many aubergines a carnivore can eat
Keep your quorn give me meat

I am on a diet I am fat I don’t deny it is in my genes it’s hereditary
I’m counting every calorie I’m only eating celery
I’m farting like you wouldn’t believe
I’m down the gym religiously and drowning and my self esteem is broke
But at least I’m drowning sensibly but downing only sugar free coke
I decided to join weight watchers for weight loss guarantee
In the first week it worked like a dream
I lost eight pounds and 99p first week subs

I would swap my car for a chocolate éclair
I would wear nipple tassels for a piece of Camembert
I am so hungry I could eat my own eye
And wash it all down with a nice chilled bottle of wine
I would give my liver for a sliver of banofee pie
And wash it all down with petit four, custard tart, double cream that’s just the start, A family box of Butterkist, chocolate fingers, pick ‘n’ mix
I can’t take much more of this, oh fuck this diet fetch me some wine
I’m not fat I’m big boned.

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